Keep your bodily functions to yourself

Dear Sperm Donor,

It is NOT the highlight of my day to walk in encumbered by both a large, heavy bag of groceries and my laptop case only to be serenaded by your ass explosions and grunts because you are taking a dump with the bathroom door open.

Nor is it the highlight of my day to have that magical sound and visual accompanied by the rancid stench of your efforts while I try to round up something to eat after the meeting I went to about our school system.

Oh, and thanks so much for NOT saving me some dinner, assclown.

Love,

DT

Are you done ... talking ... yet?

Dear SD,

I'm so happy that you're going to an all-inclusive resort with your buddy for a week. I don't even mind that your airfare to Mexico is on my credit card or that you need another $650 for "fun".

In appreciation for my tolerance and largesse, could you please just Shut The Fuck Up about golf and scuba diving between now and the time you leave this winter?

Mmmkaythanks.

DT

Where's my cape?

Dear Sperm Donor,

If I'm supposed to be sympathetic to your lack of motivation to go to the gym, think again.

I was up and showered, with laundry sorted and started before you picked your head out of the pillows. I was out of the house to get winter clothes for the spawn and to restock the fridge before you finished your first cuppa Joe.

I shopped for, transported, unloaded and put away $260 worth of groceries while you managed to go get your haircut.

Before you got home, I had started more laundry, cleaned the spoiled food out of the basement freezer and made a shopping list for the wholesale club.

Do I *look* stupid to you?

Dear Captain AssClown,

When you ask me why I do something for my job a certain way - in this case, work from printed drawings rather than electronic files - and then roll your eyes at my answer, it doesn't matter that your mouth SAYS you don't think I'm stupid, because your facial expressions and body language overrule it.

For the record, I'd LOVE to see you try to compare two disparate sets of floor plans - one C sized and the other D sized - on a 17" laptop screen without wanting to stab kittens. Knock yourself out, Sparky, I've got a cocktail and a comfy chair for the show.

In the mean time, kiss my shiny, fat, white ass. This is why you never get laid...at least, not by me.

Love,

DT

Stay out of my liquor

Dear AssHat SpermDonor,

Do not come home, sit down to the meal I cooked, and proceed to complain about my flavored vodka that you got into last night. YOU finished off your vodka, NO ONE invited you to partake of mine. And if I'm supposed to feel sorry for you that you had to resort to Uncle Jose? Yeah, that ain't gonna happen. Now STFU so I can Facebook with my MWDAS bitches.

Love,
DT

Tools

Dear Sperm Donor,

In case dragging you upstairs to see the fruits of my purging-cleaning-reorganizing labor over the holiday weekend wasn't a hint, I figured telling you dead on that I was DONE with living in a shithole full of clutter would do the trick. To be abso-fucking-lutely sure, I told you that it would be a great idea if you and the crotchfruit cleaned up the room you sleep in that used to be his, and for you to clean up the top of your dresser that you insist live in public space. Because when I'm DONE, I'm DONE - and I might just take it into my head to extend my purging-cleaning-reorganizing energy all over your shit.

Since you spent the holiday weekend partying with your brother-in-law while I busted my hump on the upstairs, I figure my request for one day per weekend dedicated to getting this shithole in order wasn't, well...out of order.  How convenient of you to find a weekend's worth of shit to do at other people's  houses instead.